best_enemies | The Most Cracktacular River Song Theory You'll Ever Read

Alternatively titled, “The Master’s Plan to Make the Doctor Finally Accept Domestic Bliss With Him, Featuring River Song”

While I'm busily editing the previously mentioned fanfiction I'm planning to unleash in the near future, I thought I'd share this madness with all of you.

It goes without saying that we’re all curious about What’s Up With River, and a slurry of theories have been floating about the Internet. I think I’ve heard them all, and yet none of them satisfy the “Eureka!” shock of having it all fit together. Until now.

No, I repeat, no, River Song is not the Master. She can’t be the Master, plain and simple. Nothing would make sense. However, I have a theory. The Master is involved in this theory. And it’s all a part of his new Master Plan.

Get yourself a cup of tea, dearies, because this will take a while. Yes, there will be screams of righteous anger. But it will get better. Oh yes, it will get better.

Hypothesis: In one simple sentence, River Song is the Master’s Daughter.

BLASPHEMY!

I know, I know. Bear with me, there’s a few plus sides to this bizarre idea that I'll get to in a moment.

Like Father, Like Daughter? Evidence Suggesting a Possible Relation/Correlation Between the Master and River Song

1. Both of them are convicts.

a. The Master goes to jail for numerous reasons.

b. River is in jail for something serious, and she’s killed someone important at the very least.

2. Both of them are thieves.

a. The Master steals things all the time.

b. River steals the van Gogh painting, and she’s clearly stolen things before.

3. They manipulate people’s brains.

a. The Master hypnotizes people.

b. River uses hallucinogenic lipstick. C’mon, if the Master were the smoochy type, he’d totally have hallucinogenic lipstick, too.

4. River: “You. Me. Handcuffs. Must it always end this way?”

a. Why has the Master never said this yet? Why, why, why?

5. They both share fantasies of becoming significant rulers/overlords.

a. The Master becomes PM of Britain, among other things. Attempts universal domination on a regular basis.

b. River becomes ‘Cleopatra.’ And it suits her.

6. They both have strong opinions about the Doctor’s TARDIS and how it should be run.

a. Delgado!Master, on seeing the messy console of the Doctor’s TARDIS: “Oh, no! But what does he think he’s doing? What a botch-up!”

b. River: “It’s not supposed to make that noise; you leave the brakes on!”

7. They both have nerdfests of science with the Doctor.

a. Delgado!Master/Three were made to be lab partners. As were Yana and Ten.

b. River: (paraphrased) “See? I told you I could rescue Amy with the teleporter even though you said it was impossible to do!”

Doctor: “River Song, I could bloody kiss you!”

But how would we/the Master benefit from such an arrangement?

A. The Doctor will be forced to admit that what he likes about River Song are the aspects she got from the Master. Forced to admit that he likes things about the Master. Forced to admit that he likes the Master.

B. The look on the Doctor’s face when he finds out that River was the Master’s Daughter.

C. The look on the Master’s face when he sees the look on the Doctor’s face when he finds out that River was the Master’s Daughter.

D. If the Doctor and River somehow have children, this would mean that the Master can now lord it over the Doctor that they’ve shared genes together. I mean, just imagine how that would go:

“Ah, my dear Doctor. Your DNA. My DNA. Entwined together into one superior being. Isn’t it marvelous?”

E. This would become the most hilariously inappropriate father- and son-in-law relationship this side of the galaxy. The bickering, the glorious bickering. And the Doctor’s enhanced feelings of moral conflict. And the Master’s complete lack of concern for ethics as he snogs his way back into first place.

F. “Grandad, why are you kissing Father?”

“You see, dear Master Jr., when you get to be as old as we are, your values start to deteriorate.”

“FOR THE LAST TIME, HIS NAME IS NOT MASTER JR.! And don’t tell them that, I’m trying to raise ethically sound children here!”

“Wusses, Doctor. You mean you’re trying to raise wusses. I’m trying to raise the new race of Time Lords.”

But how on earth could this possibly happen? We demand convoluted answers! And you shall have them. Remember that most of this is complete crack-logic, for fun, not seriousness.

The Master’s 64-Step Plan to Make the Doctor Finally Accept Domestic Bliss With Him, Featuring River Song

1. Marry Lucy.

2. During the Year that Never Was, get Lucy pregnant and have a daughter. TELL NO ONE.

3. Realize Time Lord/Human hybrids are not that stable. Fobwatch your daughter before her brain explodes. Hide the fobwatch. Tell no one where it is.

4. Your daughter is now a human infant that is not yet useful to you. You are busy terrorizing a planet. Decide to send daughter to a Saxon-sponsored orphanage. Bribe the overseer into treating her well. Still tell no one she’s your daughter.

5. Your wife is upset that you took away her daughter without telling her. Insert marital problems.

6. The Doctor foils your global dominion.

7. Your wife shoots you.

8. You prefer death to humiliating captivity.

9. Everything is lost, including your daughter’s fobwatch.

10. Minions resurrect you.

11. Your wife manages to mess up the process and make you extra crazy.

12. Make a Master race.

13. Get your revenge on those traitorous Time Lords for drum-madness.

14. Get sucked back into the Time War.

15. Manage to steal a Convenient Plot Device of Rassilon that will make you unrecognizable to other Time Lords (such as the One Ring or an Invisibility Cloak).

16. Ditch the drums. Somehow.

17. Escape the Time War. Somehow.

18. Regenerate in the process.

19. Somehow end up back on earth.

20. Remember you have a daughter. Find the orphanage.

21. Discover that orphanage went downhill since it was no longer sponsored by the Saxon government. Your daughter is not well looked after.

22. Adopt your daughter, a la Daddy Warbucks. You name her River Song because it’s the complete opposite of her true name/Time Lady title, which you have also kept hidden. <-- remember this for later, folks

23. Never tell her you are her real father. You have a Plan.

24. Go back later to kill the people in charge of the orphanage.

25. Tell your daughter you “fired” them so they’ll never be mean to kids again.

26. Your daughter now thinks you are a hero.

27. Sneakily become the ruler of a planet or an earth nation, in disguise and with the Convenient Plot Device of Rassilon.

28. Do good things on the surface (improve education! philanthropy! inter-planetary diplomacy!), but bad things underneath (brain slugs, perhaps?) That will be the bait.

29. Tell your daughter stories about Time Lords, especially ones about the Doctor.

30. Don’t tell her you are the Master, or a Time Lord. You can’t risk her blabbing or have her knowing she’s part Time Lord.

31. Teach her the art of being sneaky, i.e., stealing things and hypnotizing/hallucinogenizing people. Convince her she is the next Robin Hood.

32. One day, the Doctor falls for the lure of the brain slugs. He still does not recognize you because of the Convenient Plot Device of Rassilon. Begin the game.

33. You plan for the Doctor to accidentally kidnap your daughter. He already recognizes her, which is intriguing.

34. You decide the backwards-meeting thing they have is a Good Sign for your Plan, and laugh maniacally to yourself at your eventual success.

35. Your daughter becomes the Doctor’s newest companion. You allow this.

36. Your daughter becomes smitten with the Doctor. You allow this.

37. The Doctor finds out that you are behind the brain slugs.

38. The Doctor tries to convince your daughter that you are evil and need to be put in jail. She does not believe him and tries to argue for the good you’ve done, bless her.

39. You have constructed the scenario in such a way that only your daughter can stop you, and the only way she can stop you is to “kill” you.

40. Your daughter comes to understand that you are in fact behind the brain slugs. She is emotionally torn because she still sees good in you.

41. You reveal to your daughter that you can only be stopped by her “killing” you.

42. She eventually does “kill” you because she has Good Morals reinforced by her time with the Doctor. She is traumatized because you were still “the best man she ever knew.” You are touched by her devotion.

43. You escape, because of course that didn’t actually kill you. But they’ll think it did.

44. You hide out in a time-space hole somewhere and observe the events you’ve set up by using the Convenient Crystal Ball of Rassilon.

45. You make yourself homemade pizzas and martinis, because it will be awhile until you get to reappear for the Epic Moment Where You Win At Last Forever.

46. Your daughter is arrested for the assassination of an important planetary leader, because of course the officials never knew about your brain slugs nor would they believe that you would do that.

47. The Doctor, realizing that River only did what she had to because there was no other way, breaks her out of prison.

48. They go on adventures.

49. The Doctor falls in love with River because, of course, she takes after you.

50. They get married.

51. You drown your momentary sorrows, though you knew this was going to happen. You keep waiting.

52. They have children. You pride yourself on finally having spawn with the Doctor through stealth.

53. Your daughter sacrifices herself to save everyone. You sincerely mourn her in your own way.

54. You get dressed up.

55. You show yourself to the Doctor, who thought you were dead and is shocked. Savor that moment.

56. You remove the Convenient Plot Device of Rassilon, and now he’s really shocked you’re still alive. You savor that moment even more.

57. You tell him that you’re now in-laws and you’ve come to claim the children. He is very confused.

58. You remind him that River Song was your daughter. You savor that moment the most.

59. Have an epic custody battle.

60. Bribe/blackmail/hypnotize/threaten the judges into letting you win.

61. Tell the Doctor the only way he’s seeing his children is by living with you.

62. The Doctor agrees.

63. Snog your way back into first place in his hearts, because you don’t have morals when it comes to the Doctor.

64. Live a dysfunctional, morally dubious, and happy family life with your Doctor and your spawn of new Time Lords.

EPILOGUE: One day, Donna Noble finds River Song’s lost fobwatch and opens it. She re-inherits the powers of a Time Lord and becomes The Silence (River Song’s true name/Time Lady title, which is the complete opposite of her pseudonym!). The series gains an unexpected villain! Dun dun dun!

And once again I learn that my brain and I should not be left to our own devices. Strange, over-thought things happen.